Encouragement: Say It Out Loud

So many things in my life over the past 6 months have led me to explore the idea of encouraging others and being encouraged.

It really started with parenting. Through learning more about ADHD/HSC and how to better parent our boys, one of the biggest pieces of advice I kept coming across was positive reinforcement. Find the good in what they are already doing, not anything new or extra, just the everyday stuff. Look for it and say, “Hey, I’m proud of you for picking up your shoes without being asked.” Or, “I’m proud of you for working so hard in school this week.” Or, “I wanted to point out and thank y’all for how well behaved you were at dinner tonight.”

I think as parents we naturally fall into the trap of encouraging our kids mostly when a requested task (requested by us of course) has been completed or when there’s some kind of formal achievement like sports, grades, awards, whatever.

But one thing I kept seeing in ADHD parenting research was the idea of aiming for around 3 positive interactions for every 1 criticism or correction. 3:1. 😳 That stopped me in my tracks because there was no way I was doing that. So I started looking for small things, tiny things, honestly ANYTHING I could genuinely encourage, and to my surprise, there was a ton. Most the time I just forget to actually say anything.

I would quite literally have to internally yell at myself to SAY IT OUT LOUD whenever I noticed something good in my head. I’d think, “That was really mature of him,” or “He handled that well,” or “I’m proud of him for doing that without being asked,” and then realize I was about to just move on without ever telling him. Because it’s so normal to expect our expectations to be met as parents. We notice immediately when something is wrong, but when everything is going right, we tend to just keep moving.

This practice at home started to shine a light on the rest of my life too: friends, work, my marriage, content creation, even personal faith and prayer. It is so easy to sit in a constant space of needing more, thinking something isn’t good enough, could be better, or wondering what’s next. But there is so much happening every single day that is worth encouraging, celebrating and being thankful for.

Kids > Don’t only praise them when they get a good grade, score a goal or accomplish something big. Praise them when they remember to brush their teeth without being asked. Praise them when they’re well behaved at dinner. Praise them when they simply meet the standards you’ve already set for them.

Friends > Don’t only celebrate when they get a raise, get married, have a baby or hit some major milestone. If something they say has a positive impact on your life, tell them. If they randomly pop into your head and you’re thinking something good about them, send the text. If you hear about something cool they’ve recently done, tell them you noticed.

Work > Don’t only celebrate when new sales goals are hit or a big account is landed. Tell someone when you notice they handled an everyday task really well, were especially kind to someone, or simply showed up in a great mood that made the whole office better that day.

Spouse > Don’t only say thank you when they do something that directly benefits you. Tell them when you’re impressed by their parenting. Tell them when they have a good idea. Celebrate small wins. Point out the things they do every day that have become so normal you’ve almost stopped noticing them. Our pastor always says, “You either marry a launch pad or a lid.” Which one do you want to be?

Content Creation > Okay, pretty niche, but I think there’s something here. Why are we so addicted to content and social media? I think part of it is because it’s one of the only places a lot of people experience regular praise. You post something and strangers on the internet tell you you’re funny, smart, creative, inspiring, talented, or even just throw you one of these: ❤️. Strangers on the internet shouldn’t be more encouraging than your own family, and the reverse is true too. If you’re constantly encouraging people online but rarely saying those same kinds of things to the people closest to you, that’s probably worth adjusting.

Faith / Prayer > How often do we praise God mostly when we feel like He gave us a “win” or answered a prayer? What about this moment you’re living and breathing right now? Your health, food on your table, shoes on your feet, a car you can drive, people you love, another day. It’s all kind of insane when you really stop and think about how much we consider normal that isn’t guaranteed at all.

So I guess this is just an encouragement to be more encouraging in your day-to-day life.

Once you start paying attention, it’s shocking how much encouragement already happens in your head. You think something good about your kid, your spouse, a friend or someone at work, and then you just move on.

Don’t.

Say it out loud. Send the text. Give the compliment. Tell them you noticed. Because encouragement that stays in your head doesn’t encourage anybody.